Life lessons a cat hater learned from cats

As a seven-year-old boy, a family cat I was affectionately holding was spooked and dug its claws into my bare chest.  The fear and distrust it created in my impressionable mind led to an escalating series of bad encounters with felines spanning nearly half a century.

Exacerbating the phobia were women in my life who had a propensity for rescuing traumatized cats while dismissing my fear and dislike of them. 

In 2007 my greatest archenemy, a feral cat with a particularly acute dislike for me, died after 14 years of uneasy cohabitation.  I finally drew the line with my partner and insisted that any future cat be handpicked by the two of us.

About a year later, we visited an animal shelter.  In a room teaming with kittens running wild, one adorable, gentle tuxedo kitten emerged as our mutual choice.  We named her Gidget.

I have always thought that cat lovers were too accommodating and that cats essentially trained their masters to conform with their way of doing things.  Consequently, I was determined to defy all cat convention and mold Gidget into my vision of the perfect feline.  I was a Pygmalion of sorts.

Gidget was taught to walk on a leash and respond to numerous commands or word cues.  Boundaries were also set which she follows religiously at least when I’m around.  Although consistency and determination packaged with love and rewards achieved amazing results, I came to realize there was a limit to what I could expect.  Gidget and I found room for compromise.

Gidget has never shown any sign of aggression - no hissing, biting, or clawing -  which was instrumental in dispelling the fears I harbored so long.    

The next kitten, a tortoiseshell, was adopted about two years later -  no, I haven’t become a hoarder.  Her name is Malibu.  The cat theme, of course, is surfing and Gidget generally likes water whether it’s getting hypnotized by ripples in her water bowl or walking in the toilet bowl.  Malibu, however, never wholeheartedly took to the idea of being a water cat, but she would complete my transformation from cat-hater to cat-lover.

At a painful emotional  time when my relationship with my companion of 23 years was in its death throes, Malibu became a constant source of laughter and companionship.  She follows me everywhere and snuggles with me in bed.  To show how far my transformation has taken me, I contort my body each evening to suit how and where she wants to sleep.  In return for such sacrifices, she keeps me grounded and optimistic at a time I might otherwise feel completely adrift and depressed.

Reflecting on what I’ve learned from both Gidget and Malibu has given me a greater understanding of human relationships.  There are so many parallels. 

Carefully choosing a partner is like picking the ideal kitten in a shelter.  There has to be an initial  connection, chemistry, and trust.

Many of us expect our partners to conform to whom we want them to be.  But, people like cats will not readily change, particularly when it goes against their nature.  We can’t alter people any more than I could insist my cats behave like dogs.  You essentially have to accept who they are or end the relationship.

Don’t take it personally when your partner cannot be exactly who you desire.  By giving them the freedom to be themselves, you might have an opportunity to enjoy their most special qualities.

Most important, we all come into relationships with fears and insecurities.  These forces can grow like a cancer if left untreated.  The only way to constructively deal with them is to learn to trust in yourself and in others.  My fear of cats only grew worse with time because my focus was purely on what was wrong with them, rather than coming to terms with whom they were and addressing my own insecurities.  Partners need to do the same by openly expressing their deepest fears regardless of how vulnerable they may feel, then working together to overcome them through tolerance and trust.

Gidget and Malibu helped me to better appreciate this.  In exchange for certain sacrifices and concessions I made to them, I get far more in return.  I can only hope I have the wisdom and discipline to apply these lessons to any new human relationship that may await me. 

And if you’re wondering, I did get custody of Malibu, but not Gidget who will always occupy a special place in my heart.

The Slaughterhouse of professional sports

The circumstances surrounding Adrian Peterson’s abusive behavior toward his four-year-old son and his subsequent suspension from the NFL raise some delicate issues that are not being adequately addressed by the media. 

At issue are child abuse, racism, the power of public opinion, and the hypocrisy of professional sports in America.

What Peterson did to his son was clearly wrong and he was tried and convicted in a court of law.  That should have been the end of it.  But more punishment was inevitable in today’s world where sports teams and their governing bodies hypocritically preach high ideals from moral soap boxes to pacify public opinion, thereby safeguarding ratings and ticket sales.  Are executives from America’s top corporations held to such standards in a public forum?  Rarely are their transgressions even brought to light.

We can’t lose sight of the fact that there are two worlds in America: The haves and have nots.  Of course, the money behind professional sports lives in the former and the commodity in which they trade largely comes from the latter.  You cannot so easily apply what is expected in one community to the other, at least not without sensitivity, compassion and understanding of the differences.

Growing up poor and black is tough and often violent, and Peterson’s life is no exception.  At age 7, Peterson witnessed his 9-year-old brother’s killing by a drunk driver.  His father, Nelson, spent nearly seven years in prison for laundering money from selling crack cocaine.  His half brother was shot and killed in Houston the night before Peterson attended the NFL combine in 2007.  And last October, Tyrese Ruffin, his 2-year-old illegitimate son whom he recently became aware, was killed in Sioux Falls, S.D. allegedly by the boyfriend of Ruffin’s mother.

The violence and tragedy in these neighborhoods often breed very good football players and the sport exploits violent tendencies.  You cannot take a young man out of a violent community, encourage him to be violent on a football field, and expect him to go home and behave like a saint.  It doesn’t work that way. 

America's attitude toward corporal punishment has changed a great deal in a generation.  What I endured 50's years ago for misbehavior at home and school would be considered abhorrent and criminal today.  But change is sometimes slow to spread to some communities.  Although we cannot condone such horrific behavior, we have to be cognizant of these differences when rendering justice.

The NFL power brokers don’t live in Peterson’s childhood world nor do they make a genuine effort to understand it.  What drives them is money and Adrian Peterson is the sacrificial lamb du jour.  Young black men serve as the meat that nourishes a highly profitable industry akin to a slaughterhouse where unsavory parts are discarded.

If the NFL is going to expect certain behaviors of its players it needs to invest heavily in changing the communities that provide the sport’s prized commodity.  The league does offer youth programs like Play60, but they are fitness and sports related.  With all the money associated with the NFL and other professional sports why is there no comprehensive, meaningful, sustainable endowment to help lift the quality of life in these neighborhoods?

We also cannot lose sight of the fact that professional athletes are typically very young and immature.  We tend to judge them by standards they find difficult, even impossible,  to meet. 

Since justice has already been meted out, it seems extreme for the NFL to pile on more punishment and deprive this young man of the few years left in his career.

Racism through rose-colored glasses

Americans usually right wrong when they see it, but today things are not always so clear.  The horrors of war hide behind the falsehood that smart bombs and predator drones kill only the bad guys.  Lethal injection creates the illusion that capital punishment is humane.  Racism has remained hidden behind a similar veneer ever since the civil rights movement of the 1960's.

There are those who think racism has been eliminated or at least reduced significantly because they see few prominent displays of segregation, discrimination, or Ku-Klux-Klan-like violence.  Some perceive the world from the comfort, safety, and relative affluence of their own communities largely disconnected from the world of the have-nots except what they see in media. 

Racism is not limited to overt manifestations.  It’s the more subtle emotional and psychological forms inflicted over centuries that do the most damage.  Although the chains and shackles of slavery are long gone and Jim Crow laws outlawed, blacks are still enslaved by socioeconomic forces.  This does not mean that most people are racist, only that the general population fails to see how pervasive racism is.

Here are just a couple of facts to consider:

In 2005 the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics released a report that found that although the same percentage of white, black, and Hispanic drivers were stopped by police, blacks were three times more likely to be searched (person or vehicle) than whites, more than three times more likely to be handcuffed, and almost three times more likely to be arrested.

The Annie E. Casey Foundation’s report, “Faith Matters: Race/Ethnicity, Religion and Substance Use,” found that whites account for 73 percent of annual marijuana users and 72 percent of annual users of illicit drugs other than marijuana.  Yet blacks are sent to prison for drug offenses at 10 times the rate of whites.

In 2008 blacks and Hispanics comprised 58% of all U.S. prisoners, yet they comprise roughly one quarter of the U.S. population.

Utilizing data provided by the United States Sentencing Commission and state correctional departments, the American Civil Liberties Union estimates that blacks account for 65.4 percent of prisoners serving life without parole sentences for nonviolent crimes. 

All these racial disparities contributed to the U.S. prison population growing by 700% between 1970 and 2005.  Incarcerated Americans now represent 25 percent of the entire world prison population.

According to the Death Penalty Information Center, blacks make up 41.71 percent of the current U.S. death row population. 

Richard C. Dieter, an attorney, concluded in his report, “The Death Penalty in Black and White: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Decides,” that there is “an overwhelming body of evidence that race plays a decisive role in the question of who lives and dies by execution in this country.”

According to a study by the Institute on Assets and Social Policy at Brandeis University, "The wealth disparity between white and black households has more than quadrupled, regardless of income bracket" from 1984 to 2007.

The simplistic, convenient explanation is to blame the parents for perpetuating the cycle of poverty, but it’s not so simple and one thing is certain, you cannot justify the condemning of children who have to endure inadequate prenatal care, poor healthcare, insufficient diets, terrible schools, the digital divide, and violent neighborhoods.

A new report, titled "Race for Results," conducted by the Annie E. Casey Foundation found that Asian and white children were far better positioned for success than American Indians, blacks, and Latinos.  The study described the challenges facing black children as "a national crisis."

The two races who have had the most difficulty breaking free of the cycle of poverty are American Indians and blacks, and they both share very unique characteristics.  Both were forcibly removed from their native lands and faced centuries of enslavement, oppression, betrayal, and economic exploitation.  All other ethnic groups came to America voluntarily and  did not face the degree of hardship these two groups have endured for hundreds of years.

Randall Robinson writes in his article, "What America Owes to Blacks and What Blacks Owe to Each Other," states: "If the black community were paid eleven trillion dollars tomorrow in reparations, unless we were able to repair the damage done to our psyches and our souls over the years, the money would do us no good."

Racism today in its insidious forms oppresses people of color from cradle to grave.  Until we collectively remove our rose-colored glasses, no meaningful, sustainable progress will be made toward eradicating racism in all it forms. 

Should the wisdom of age be valued in adoption?

The three things I desperately needed as a child growing up in a home fraught with alcoholism and spousal abuse were peace, love, and understanding.  I think that is all any child seeks.

Now at 61, single, and embodying much of what my parents lacked, I’m trying to adopt a foster child of color between the ages of 5 and 11.  Given all I heard about the dire need for adopting parents I thought it would be relatively easy, but after 16 months of waiting without any real prospects I’m left with the suspicion that my age, race and marital status may be issues.

Of course, at first glance, I would not appear to be the ideal candidate, but I believe children principally respond to human qualities, not age, race, or marital status. 

Although I am older than most parents with young kids, I am in ideal health, top physical condition, very active, eat healthy, never smoked, and drink moderately.  Conversely, my young parents chain smoked, drank excessively, and had poor diets.  My father died at 60 from renal failure likely the result of drinking and my mother died at 70 from emphysema caused by smoking.

Admittedly, my life span with a child growing into adulthood may be shorter than younger parents, but longevity is not as important as other criteria required to successfully raise a child. 

Although by no means am I rich, I am financially comfortable.  I’m past the stage where one’s career is a preoccupation and a source of stress in a household.  I work from the home so in many respects a child will have more parental face time with me than many families with two working parents.  And most importantly, I have the wisdom, maturity, and self-awareness that often comes with age.  All this can benefit a child enormously in the formative years, particularly a troubled, traumatized, neglected child. 

The only carefree period in my childhood was living in a single parent household for five years when my parents temporarily separated.  With divorce rates soaring today, you could argue that certain single parents offer more peace and stability than some married ones.

My interest in transracial adoption is probably not helping my prospects either.  And that’s somewhat understandable.  No one can expect minority communities to stand up and applaud a white society who enslaves and oppresses them for centuries, and now wants to ride in as heroes and rescue their children.

But the facts remain that children of color accounted for more than half the children entering foster care in the U.S. in 2011 according to Childwelfare.gov,  And twenty-seven percent were African American, double the percentage in the general population.

A new study, titled "Race for Results," conducted by the Annie E. Casey Foundation found that Asian and white children were far better equipped for success than American Indians, blacks*, and Latinos.  The study described the challenges facing African-American children as "a national crisis."

Although meaningful, sustainable social change is clearly and desperately needed, such change in America takes time and political willpower.  Children who need homes cannot afford to wait for the glacial process to occur. 

Social workers should welcome white parents who understand that racism and discrimination still exist in America and that raising a child of color will not be easy.   White parents cannot ignore black history or culture, nor isolate a child from the black community any more than they can change the color of the child’s skin.  But, any good parent, regardless of color, instills in their children the skills, insight, values, and self-esteem to cope with any weaknesses they have or obstacles they face, including racism.  

A black journalist, Darron T. Smith, in his Huffington Post blog sums it up when he says, "I remain hopeful that white adopting parents have the desire, courage and conviction to move beyond the racial frame that ‘race no longer matters in American society' and look to understand the two worlds your adoptive children will inevitably live in. Merely raising and loving a child whose racial makeup is different from the birth parents is not enough to counterbalance any societal stigma a child of color might potentially face while living and existing in whiteness. If whites fail to take ownership of this problem in order to deflect any semblance of racism away from them, then we as a society further fail in our efforts to instill wholesale change."